Voices in My Head

Welcome to our tiny, but oh-so-cute apartment, Mr. Obama.  Have a seat.  Can I offer you a drink?  A martini? Hahahahah! That’s funny.  It’s so early, but you know, I’ll share a secret,  before I took up running,  I used to  justify a breakfast gin and tonic by noting the 9 hour difference between here and Paris and announce “Hey, it’s dinner time in Paris!”   Running cured that…neighbors hate it when you curl up in their hydrangeas…but with your job, I must say, I wouldn’t be surprised if you did indulge in, shall we say, a matinal martini now and then.

OK, let me pour you some coffee.  And please try these scones…That’s nice of you, but I picked these up at a bakery down the block. I don’t bake.  Baking requires accuracy in measuring and lists of ingredients that really need to be followed.  I’d attempt a cake or something, and after I put the batter in the oven, I’d glance at the recipe and suddenly realize I’d left out 3 key ingredients.  Baking is too unforgiving.  I’m one of those cooks who measures by handful and pinches.  I call it the Jackson Pollock approach to cooking.  I know, I am so clever!  Besides,  if you think of it, most recipes, except baking of course, are nothing more than series of techniques…but we’re not here to talk cooking, are we?

Let me first say, thank you for coming.  I knew you would.  It was only a matter of time before you sought my advice.  Oh no need to apologize, really.  I know what a pain it must be to leave the office…though, you do travel an awful lot…but never mind, the point is you’re here now.

Well, where to start?

First, you know the 30,000 soldiers you’re sending to Afghanistan?  Wait, here’s some paper and a pen…sorry, but all my pens have pink marabou.  Ignore it, but you really need to take notes.  Back to your decision to send more soldiers into Afghanistan…I have to say, this is such a bad move, really, really bad.  A real waste.  Not only are you alienating your base of support—we’ve had protests here that are really tough to watch, I mean, at one time your popularity was way up there…with this move, I hate to say it, but you are really missing the mark.  It’s like going to Bergdoff when the real sale is at Bloomies.  Listen, here’s what I’d do…I’d skip right over Afghanistan and march right into Pakistan and give them a firm talking to…I mean really.   I’d let them know, that if they continue to harbor or in anyway support those Taliban or Al Qaida folk, I’m going to be reeeeeeaaaaaaaaalllllllyyy angry…and as my mother used to warn…”don’t make me come over here again!”

Then, I’d march over to Saudi Arabia.  I would have such a hard time containing my anger there.  But I would tell that royal family, that if they don’t get their act together, they will see nothing but green everywhere. I mean, REAL GREEN.  We’ll make everything, everything solar powered.  We’ll never buy a drop of oil again if they don’t stop funding people like al-Qaida and yes, the Taliban…don’t look at me that way, we all know, the Royal family funds this stuff.  Why we’re messing around with Iraq and Afghanistan is beyond me.  I know, they’re rich, waaaaaaaay rich, but still.  And besides, they’re only rich because we pay them, Right?  That’s all.

And finally…oh, can I get you more coffee?  Do you like it?  Good…Where was I?  Oh yes…finally…to help insure world peace…you need to focus on why people don’t like us.  Whenever somebody is angry with you, don’t you think it’s a good idea to figure out why?  Whether or not you should do anything about it, well, that’s another story.  Usually, I try to be nice to people, if I piss someone off, I like to know why. At least, then I can decide to try to win them over to my side, that is, if I can’t or won’t hahahaha concede.  Look, we have some serious enemies out there.  I’m not blaming you—although, I really, really blame that other guy before you for spurning them on…what a dork…but let’s not even start with him, I know you have to get back, and if we start talking about him, you’ll have to spend the weekend, and all we have is an inflatable mattress…imagine walking in to the living room and seeing the President curled up on a blow-up mattress in the middle of the living room.  I know, pretty funny.  Honest, I wouldn’t mind, but DH might be thrown for a loop.  Besides, I know our neighbors are probably more than a tad intrigued by the armed guards on our roof.  And…you have to get back, you’ve got work to do.

This might be a toughie, but we need to stop supporting Israel.  I know, I know…okay, maybe we can just cut back a bit on the amount. I know, you might lose a few friends, but ya gotta think, “Big Picture.” Besides only idiots say that not supporting Israel is anti-Semitic…that’s so dumb…being anti Zionist is simply being anti-imperialist.  That’s not bad, right?  I thought so.  But I think we need to focus on helping things in Gaza.  Honest, trust me on this.  Maybe, if we help them out, they’d lessen their vitriol against Israel.  Our current foreign policy is just making people angrier and angrier.  We would score so many goody points with the rest of that region, that, you know, peace would be a reality.

So simple, really.

Thank you for coming!  It was such a pleasure.  Here, let me wrap up the rest of the scones for you to munch on the plane.  Oh, and could you do me a favor, take these cookies here, and give them to the guards on the roof.  Thanks.

Published in: Uncategorized on December 5, 2009 at 1:38 AM  Comments (1)  

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One CommentLeave a comment

  1. Any chance you’re going to run for office soon? Even though we don’t see eye to eye on some of your suggestions, all of D.C. cound really use your brain power and reasoning right now.


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